I got a lot of feedback on the last blog dealing with social media and life events. I loved hearing from peers as well as from a younger generation on this topic. With permission, two young friends agreed that I could share their perspectives. My personal goal isn’t to solve or come down on a side around this topic, but to be mindful of what and why I do things.
The guest writers are two people that I enjoy tremendously. First is Sarah Millsaps who is on a very short list of “best Wilson babysitters ever”. She shares a piece that she wrote as a college sophomore. It is good to know that there are such thoughtful young people in our world. I have read much of her writing over recent years, and I fully believe that she may be the next Wendell Berry.
The second is recently married and faithfully pursuing a doctorate degree in psychology. I met Emily Wynsma through one of our sons, and her passion is to work with adopted and foster children in helping them on their healing journey. We have discussed many topics over the years. We share common interest and passion and I am so very grateful to people like her who put so much talent, time and energy into understanding and walking alongside children from hard places.
As a teaser, two quotes from their writing and thoughts. I hope you enjoy.
“The constant flood of photos and videos recording events allows our society to build itself on a virtual reality, eliminating the irreplaceable worth of being present and it ultimately fosters unhealthy comparison”. Sarah
“A good rule of thumb: would I still do this if it wasn’t going to go on social media, and nobody knew about it ?” Emily
From Sarah:
Social Media continues to be a popular topic of discussion as our society weighs the advantages and disadvantages of the technological developments. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and other sites allow users to remain connected and in uninterrupted communication. The virtual realm of Facebook and Twitter have invaded physical realities as young adults adopt words like “hashtag,” “profpic,” “friended,” and abbreviations into everyday speech. The extreme accessibility to share and keep one’s followers up to date has created a perceived need to share every experience. A mindset has developed suggesting that one’s experience is not finished or legitimate until you take a picture of it and post it on your Instagram feed. While superficially this value seems to be harmless, the pattern is poisonous. Whether it is a proposal, a victorious finish line shot, or simply what you ate for dinner, sharing photography on social media disconnects us from the present moment. The constant focus to capture the moment obscures the true motive of experience. Our cameras and phones become physical barriers to present reality as the constant sharing mentality diminishes the quality of the moment. The constant flood of photos and videos recording events allows our society to build itself on a virtual reality, eliminating the irreplaceable worth of being present and it ultimately fosters unhealthy comparison.
The growing trend of creating “engagement videos” or hiding a photographer to capture the proposal exposes the increasing value in digitally sharing our experiences. The growing opportunity for documentation encourages our society to publicize intimacy. Traditionally an engagement is held precious because it is a moment shared by two people who are embarking on a shared life. The relationship and proposal ritual is special because it is exclusive. A growing trend in social media is to pay a professional photographer to capture the entire proposal so that the moment is not only eternalized but it also is able to be shared. Some couples have taken this to an extreme. One man designed a “music video proposal” in which he videoed an entire performance and posted it on YouTube. His intimate act of asking to spend the rest of his life with someone transformed into a showcase. By including the third party audience he devalues his relationship with his girlfriend.
The constant thought of “what to tweet next” or what angle to capture the sunrise encloses our experience into pixels and small digital frames. Most of the American population now walks around with a camera at all times. With the constant updates and live feeds I question what is the truer reality, the moment unfolding or the representational pictures? Are we going on a hike to live an experience or to show that we’ve done it? Personally, I have recognized that in certain situations I remember an event not by what I physically experienced with my own senses but by the Facebook album I looked through afterwards. My memory is handicapped by this but so is the photographer of the album. How limited was her time at the event if she was hidden behind a camera; was she focused on capturing the best shot or actually living the moment? When I think of how special it was that my friends surprised me on my birthday, I envision the still frame shots that are not even from my vantage point instead of the moving, breathing perspective I experienced.
From Emily:
I have been thinking on this since you posted it!
I have some thoughts.
So… I think the thing for me on this is WHY someone is making someone “a thing”. Is it out of obligation- because now it is lame or not allowed to “just ask” someone to be a bridesmaid, or to prom? Is it because they feel a need to prove their creativity, coolness, etc. on social media? Is it because they feel a sense of perfectionism, or whoever they are asking is going to be disappointed if it isn’t impressive or cooler than their friends’ ask/proposal/invite?
On the other hand:
Some of these things, I see as a really fun way to just add some magic and sparkle to things that could be mundane. Dying eggs green on St. Patrick’s Day makes an ordinary breakfast special and fun. I heart-attacked some friends’ who have little kids houses last year on Valentine’s Day- just taped up some paper hearts from the Dollar Tree on their front porches for them to find when they woke up.
I didn’t do particularly special asks for my wedding party, and most of the weddings I’ve been in they didn’t do anything particular to ask me. And that was totally fine. But one friend and her husband made us all little funny videos asking us in some way that was relevant to our friendship (in mine they were all, “Hey do you want to journal??!!!!!, and then they wrote in the journal “Will you be our bridesmaid?” and held it up to the camera :-)). I don’t think they did it because they thought they had to, I think they just had fun doing it.
My close friend Kim is the QUEEN of making something small into “a thing”, and she LOVES it. Her five year old is life threateningly allergic to so many things it is hard for them to leave the house, and so she and her husband fight super hard for joy and making memories inside their home when they can’t do them in the normal ways. They celebrate President’s Day, Valentine’s Day, first days of the seasons, birthdays to the max…. it is a way for her to enjoy motherhood and “make some magic” on hard days, and make sure that her kids remember fun and “special things” even when they can’t go out for ice cream, to the zoo, etc.
Her sister-in-law, inspired by her, wrote an awesome post about this view of “the Pinterest moms”: http://bethwoolsey.com/2014/08/about-those-pinterest-moms/
A lot of times a little bit of extra effort or five minutes of forethought can bring something from boring to feeling special, and make something just feel more fun, more happy, more exciting. If it’s stressful, then that would defeat the purpose! But if it doesn’t really make a difference in time or money or effort… why not make it just a little more memorable? For me a lot of times honestly it’s been an anti-depressant decision to throw a spring tea party (yup did that) or mail a snail mail card to someone in town (yup)- just a way to make a day more joyful, for me and hopefully someone else.
I think my personal feelings on it: the purpose of making something into “a thing”- should be for joy, and/or love (aka, if it makes the other person feel joy :-)). The goal should be to show that that person is worth your thinking beforehand, *****is worth you being intentional****. If it creates stress, grumpiness, exhaustion, resentment, then it obviously defeats the purpose. And when I find myself in that position, I should check my heart: ****Am I doing this because it will make that person feel like they are special to me, or because it will make this day feel more full of life and happier and not just like daily grind****? Or am I doing it because I want other people to notice that I rocked something or am impressive or really good at crafts/planning/forethought, or because I “have to” since everyone else does.
A good rule of thumb: would I still do this if it wasn’t going to go on social media, and nobody knew about it ?
So. There are my novel’s worth of thoughts! In summary: if making things a thing is out of joy, sense of magic and fun, and desire to make someone feel special, then I am all for them.
