Saturday mornings are typically for sleeping in at the Wilsons – at least for the females in the house. This morning was a bit different since one of our girls was going on her first church youth group overnight. She was scheduled to go in the fall, but a tree fall and concussion derailed that plan. So today was her inaugural retreat.
This particular girl is no fan of early morning Saturday wake ups, for any reason. She groaned when mom gave her the time to get up nudge but did roll out and get moving. I communicated to her the news that the one of her three “go to comfort zone youth group friends” signed up for the weekend wasn’t going to participate. She seemed to take that in and ponder it a bit but didn’t verbally express what was going on inside of her.
We headed to the meeting spot and parked. She rebuffed my offer to help her carry her stuff. In body language, she was screaming that she was a bit anxious and uncomfortable but mom support wasn’t the answer to her problem. She got signed in, I said goodbye and then she sort of wandered away all by herself and disappeared. I started to go back to my car but my mom sense tingled just a bit and said to check in with her one more time. After a short search, she reappeared and I asked her, “do you want me to stick around until you leave or head out now?” She tersely replied, “go!”. And go I did.
There was a level of tension within me this morning. My wish was to give her a nice send off, but in the end I needed to hear her desire for me to shove off. A bit of nostalgia and sadness rises up as I reflect on this encounter. It seems to be symbolic of this middle school, identity seeking time of life for my girl. It all makes logical sense, but sometimes I miss the little girl who happily held my hand and skipped along beside me.
In years to come, we will continue this send off/shove off dance. There will no doubt be times when I am the one who needs to push her a little harder toward independence and growth and other times when she offers a more subtle and sensitive “no” when I need to move out of the way. The hope is that we can learn and grow together in love, respect and grace as we send and shove each other off along this mother and daughter journey.
